Thursday, March 27, 2008

Intro: Growing Up (Sweet & Sour..or Bitter?)

I used to write for private reading. For years, words were expressed in diaries and journals as my personal reminder and/or future reference. Long time ago, I read that writing can be an effective medicine to disturbed mind and soul. This supports the need for human to communicate; where at most times we do among the people surrounding us. Too often there are so many things needed to be expressed but there is no one in presence to talk or share with. The unspoken words may be harmful in due time, if one chooses to keep it to him/herself.

When I was growing up, I was blessed with the extra courage I had. 'Speaking' to me was never an issue. There was no question of me to be known as a reserved or quiet kid. Never! Instead, my loud voice had always brought me to the limelight of the crowd. Also, I don't remember of being ashamed because of my 'slightly' big physique. The high volume of my voice was equally amounted to the level of energy I had and used for all my actions and moves. The extrovert persona, of course was a result of having a great brain as well, which allowed me to take advantage over the existing cultural limitation and translated it to be my weapon ensuring my survival in the community. I was born in a society which is known to be highly diversed where culture is being perceived very important and close to every individual inside the group. It was not common to have a physically 'impaired' girl to be expressively loud. Plus, I was brought up with the exposure of 'individualism' and self-expression culture traits; of which I learned without even leaving my house.

Despite of being vocal at expressing thoughts and feelings, I learned that not everything can be freely expressed verbally. Looking from another perspective, I found myself becoming a victim of culture. Perhaps I was very successful in school (both curricular & extra curricular). Psychologically, I was already hurt by the choice of words and/or acts by people surrounding, mainly my schoolmates and neighbours. It was common for kids to start name-calling or label another kid for their weaknesses. I was big-sized, so it was typical for me to be teased or bullied verbally. I could have retaliate to these kids, but I chose not to. My weapon for defense was my brain. To me, all these bullies were out of my league. They may have the mouth to say bad and nasty things to me, but they don't enough attention and recognition from the right people. Eg. elders and teachers. Back then, I knew that I was in the winning shoes, mainly because I had the grades and small achievements in other fields, and those other kids were not even close to see the shoes.

Though I chose not to fight the battle, doesn't mean that I was ok with all bad things given to me. Since I did not have people to share with all those experiences, I turned to expressing them on papers. That way, I found myself free from anger and unhappy feelings or thoughts. It is normal for a human being to react upon being presented by any kind of stimuli. Reaction or response may come in physical or verbal. Most importantly, before the reaction takes place, our mind and heart are forced to accept the stimuli, process it and then produce the reaction. These are the basic processes. To my experience, most time the processes ended where neither physical or verbal reaction could ever took place. The need and desire to react then started to affect my attitude and personality negatively. Realizing that I needed an avenue to channel the reaction, I came to learn about non-verbal and non-physical expression. I was never good at drawing so I chose writing.

As I further grew up and learned about life, I noticed that too many exciting events in life left unrecorded. If there was a camera at presence, perhaps some of the moment were nicely captured. But frozen visual could not record the feeling and thoughts having to experience the events. Again, I found writing very significant to my life progression. Thus, I made writing a habit- so I could record all the small and big events, sweet or bad memories and details on these historical milestones. Occasionally I take some time to read these writing. It was very personal at first, but as I continue reading I now realize that there is more thoughts than feelings written.

Now, all grown up, I am not as loud as I used to be. I learned to tone down and speak only the important and necessary matters. Yet, life is full of events. I wish to share these interesting events with people from around the world and from all walks of life. Sharing is to enhance the experience and knowledge one's have. 

I welcome all whom visit, read and respond. 

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