Sunday, January 24, 2010

Fat Girl Syndrome

Those who happened to know me post-UMS often reacted negatively to my regular complaint - "I feel chubby and fat." Well, I don't really blame them since their first impression about me is completely different, if any were to ask those that have known me for more than 10 years.

The scale was already 60kg when I was 12 years old. I could not even recall if I have ever been slim and slander before. Perhaps I did look like a 'giant' when I was young; because I could recall clearly all the hideous name calling experienced when I was in school. It was certainly not a pleasant memory when you were being called elephant, giant, a pig, and all sort of other big sized animal, instead of your own names.

I used to say to myself not to be bothered by those remarks made. Though I was proud to be myself almost all the time, back then, I cannot deny the fact that deep inside my heart - it hurts (still is). Nevertheless, being positive about what happen in life allowed me to use that to my advantage. Instead of taking those remarks too personal, it had given me all the motivations I need to keep on improving myself.

After many years of exercising, dieting, pills consuming, and trying all sorts of slimming products, at the age of 21 I did succumbed to what I was fated to be - "big fat and happy girl" (what an attitude, eh..?). It was about the time for me to just accept who I was and meant to be.

It was when I least expected - focus was no longer on my body shape (or weight), and with God's willing - I lost half of my size (a staggering 20kg ++) in just less than 6 months. This, however was not an achievement for me. The experience almost took over all my will power and strength to keep on living. Hence, I will not dwell into the details so much.

What I would like to share is post weight loss challenges, of which I am still struggling till this date. Upon recovery and realizing that I was no longer the same person (in mirror), I was determined not to gain back weight. Who can blame me for making this a serious matter and hard to myself, right? 

Although I get more compliments now, my brain seems to fail at registering those compliments as a positive input. It always feel doubtful, whenever someone said, "oh, you are beautiful" or "you look slim and nice", etc. When I see myself in the mirror, I am still seeing the big sized 80kg young lady in my eyes. For quite some time now, I have to admit that I may be suffering from the "Fat Girl Syndrome" (at least that is what they call for this condition, as I read in books and seen on TV).


What Say You?

2 comments:

But everybody love u Dyana..no matter wut darling!

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