Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Sub Chapter I: Learning myself - no best friend and lonely

Someone told me once that I have no best friend. The ones who I regard as best friends are actually close friends. What is exactly the right definition of best friend?

Since I was a kid I do not have the luxury of having friends. Instead, I made many acquaintances. I do not know if you are in the same shoes as mine, but if you have best friend(s) – be thankful. When I was younger, I always thought that friendship can be bought, or specifically influenced, with money. It was so easy to get people coming to you just buy being generous. My parents often made cynical statements of this habit. But it took me a while before I know that I cannot literally buy friends with any amount of money.

What an investment. I did however ended up with very few close friends – among them are those still share laughter and tears with me.

I was groomed to be a performer. I was raised to always hunger for achievements. I remember my dad once said to me, “Journey to the top is lonely”. It was lonely and became lonelier as I go further. Now I understand better.

I believe no one likes to be lonely. Me neither – but I feel comfortable not being in crowd. Strange – I love limelight, love being in centre-stage, but I don’t really like when people get closer to me. It gets weirder when I push myself to be a better (or shall I say, closer) friend to someone. Sometimes I believe the act of wanting to be always close to people are testament of my greediness. Perhaps I don’t deserve a best friend; if I cannot properly play the part of being a friend.

Perhaps loneliness is teaching me something big in life, this time. I wonder what is the lesson?



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